Tomorrow is the big day! (seeing specialist)

So tomorrow we see the Specialist baby brain doctor. We have no idea what is going to happen, what will be said or what tests will be ran! I still haven't had a letter from the hospital telling me times so I had to call the hospital and find out! Its been over two weeks since my appointment letter was meant to be sent!!! I bet it comes tomorrow when we are at the appointment or the royal mail has lost it! Today I've been getting VERY panicky and finding it very hard to keep a cold head with Mini and Micro, We try and practice attachment parenting so keeping chilled and keeping a level head is really important! I know the Boys are just being children but it's hard when your so stressed and scared! Right now they are napping (fingers crossed writing that doesn't jinx it lol) so to try and keep the stress and quiet out of my head I've scrubbed the washing machine and getting it ready for a hot cleaning wash! I've also got crappy tv on lol! I don't even know what else to do to keep my mind from thinking the worse! I've been in tears 5 times min since I got up scared that they will tell me something really bad! I know what ever happens out baby girl will be loved so much but it doesn't stop the fear and the dread! I am praying and hoping that the specialist will be able to explain everything better but I am trying not to get my hopes up as so far we have been told next to nothing! I need to find new ways to deal with stress as I keep biting my nails and making my fingers bleed :(

Bored+stress=

So I am sat on the sofa with the boys napping I don't want the tv on as it wakes them! TRUST me I don't want to wake them up or its like the hulk! So I look in my yarn/junk I need box that I keep on the side of the sofa for when times like this happens, then I see my BORING charger cord! It hits me I could yarnbomb it! So its SOOO easy to do! Slip stitch the yarn on to cord then chain 1 then double crochet till you get to the end of the cord :) It looks Very funky :D x

Baby patchwork crochet blanket!

So seeing as out baby girl will most prob be in special care after birth I wanted to make a blanket for our girl, so it can smell etc of her to help pumping milk! I will update this post over time with updates! so to start with I'll show of what I've done so far! So far I've made a load of granny squares and a long granny strip! Please mind all the ends I need to sew in! We are a gender colour free family so its a mix of all colours!

Count down till seeing specialist: 2 days till appointment day!

So we have 2 days until we see the baby brain specialist and I am FREAKING out. I keep finding myself having a hard time breathing, I can feel my heart trying to get out of my chest! I am so scared of the unknown, I haven't got a clue what the appointment is for, when it is yet (our letter hasn't come though the post yet, please come today so I don't need to phone the hospital) I am scared of what might be said, I am scared what they might do to us, I have NO idea. I just want to cry, I HATE all this waiting to find out something ANYTHING! I want a idea of what is wrong with my baby girl! I want a idea what will happen once she is here! I just want information but then I am SO scared of that information! I really REALLY hope this panicky feelings don't get worse! All I can think of is the appointment, all I want is something to take my mind of this stress. My baby girl is kicking like CRAZY, I swear she knows when I feel like this and kicking is her way of trying to cheer me up! I just want the 'what ifs' to go away. I just want to be happy and to enjoy carrying her. I want to dream about holding her and not be scared it might never happen! I want the tears to go away.

The world isn't as mean as it always seems

When this world seems dark and lonely. When you feel scared and upset. When you feel like you cant cope anymore, that the world has dumped to much on you. Please remember that are really nice, kind and loving people out there that will support you. They will send you love and wise words! Please, please, please don't hide away for long ( I TOTALLY understand hiding away while you sort your head out, I've been there and done that) hiding away and bottling everything up can make it so much worse. Your mind works overtime and that's really not helpful. Reach out, ask for help. I promise there are lovely people out there! I have 'meet' some beautiful people with beautiful kind souls out there in the world of Facebook and twitter! I really want to THANK everyone from the bottom of my heart for all the help and support. I really think I wouldn't be this strong without knowing people are out there for us! THANK YOU EVERYONE XXXXXXXx

small thing...they are REALLY getting to me!

So in the last few days all the small, silly little things that normally would just make me angry for 10 mins and I can normally move on from are eating away at me. my mail going missing, people on a huge selling website going and closing their account and me left without my stuff and money for 8 more days are. They are really getting to me! I feel silly and sad for being so upset but I have been told to blame the fact I am pregnant and going though a lot. I am trying to agree that is most prob the reason for me being this upset but if I really tell the truth I am scared that there is someone/ something telling me I wont need the stuff, hence why its lost or the sellers gone missing (I brought nappies both times) I know its silly but I am looking at everything as postive signs or negative signs in everything that happens in my everyday life in this time of hardship! So ATM I am thinking everything happens for a reason right? so is that reason to do with my baby or to do with other things! Did me getting my hopes up about my baby being ok when she is born jinx thing? or am I just over thinking things AGAIN I REALLY hope its the last one! That I am just freaking out and over thinking things way to much! <33

if i could have one wish!

I keep thinking about what I want from this blog! Well first and foremost support and love. Secondly something to show other mummy's and daddy's to be that there are other people going though the same or similar thing. That it's ok to be scared, it's ok to be scared, it's ok to be angry. Most of all its ok to be to ask why us? Why my baby a lot and I mean a hell of a lot! If I could I wouls make it so no one had to feel what we are going though but the world isn't like that, there isn't magic wishes. Life is hard but as long as you have a few things like love, support and a shoulder to cry on its ok! Life will never be perfect because what is perfect! All I know is perfect is love and making sure you know what you want and you grab it with both hands! I want people to see that a perfect life is what you make it! My baby girl will have problems but no matter what happens she is perfect to me and always will be! I really hope I can help even 1 person going though something this hard then my blog has serviced well! If you need help and support or even want someone to tell you support numbers/emails please message me! I will take the time to help!

24 weeks pregnant

So I am 24 weeks tomorrow (sat 25th) so my baby girl will be viable! YAY, that means if I go into labour and she's alive at birth, the doctors have to help her! Its one less thing to worry about but i still have like 10000000 things about her on my mind all day every day! Baby girl is moving like she's got 100 arms and legs (although we know for 100% she's only got one set of each ;) ). she never sleeps or is a right wiggler in her sleep as she NEVER stops moving for more than 5 mins, if she does stop for a while or I am to busy to notice 100% (this is because she is still a very small baby being only 24 weeks gest and I make small babies) then I panic. This pregnancy is not only more stressful due to the problems Little Miss has but because I am so scared of anything happening as we don't really know what is 'wrong' with her! This week my heartburn has arrived and come to burn my chest! Other than the heartburn and Little Miss moving, oh and like a million hospital appointments, I don't feel pregnant! <<<< this is my 24 week bumpy!!

silly little thoughts.....

Why does my brain keep thinking silly things! I am not really scared of baby girl being in special care (I know if she needs it she'll be best being there) it's other things like will she breastfeed? Will she know who i am if I have to leave her? What will happen with child care and my eldest two? when will they meet their sister? will i be about to babywear her? i know like all the questions will have to be sorted out before her birth and some will not be answered till after shes here! all i know now is that i love her so much and we will fight what ever is handed to us!

baby 3. the hardest things are always worth the pain right?

Pregnancy number 3. we very much wanted a 3rd child. we were very lucky and agreed to ttc and it happened the first full month of trying. We were over the moon when I got a postive test. so we started to go though this pregnacy seeing midwivies and gps when we needed too, i developed hg again like it did in my other two pregnancies! we saw our baby at 8 weeks (i am still breastfeeding my youngest earthside child so lmp wasnt right) then at 11 weeks :) i was on loads of different meds for hg and thankfully at 17 weeks the hg died down. Which made life so much easier. So we have a few easy ish weeks before my 20week scan which was 19+4 weeks. The night before I felt really funny, really scared. I had this huge feeling of dread over me that something was wrong.I spoke to my dh and fb friends on the night before my scan and everyone said it was nerves. It was normal to feel like that. I felt like this before with my other two but no way near as scared as this. So after a night of very little sleep, I got up and drank so much water it made me feel sick. We all jump in the car and drive down to the hospital. Every cell in my body screaming "something's wrong." I told my body to stfu it's probably just a baby girl that's why I felt "werid" (everything was weirder than with my boys! So i am called into the room, my dh stayed in the waiting room with our two earthside children (they don't allow children in when they do the scan till all the checks are done) so the scan lady starts, ticking of a few body parts, then she goes quiet, a few tuts and her shakes later she says baby is laying werid (I had a feeling this was a fib) and that I needed to wait And walk about for 10mins. I get my family into a room called the quiet room like the scan woman said to. I knew there was something wrong. Just my instinct were telling me. Dh still saying everything is ok! Me trying not to cry, then I see the woman knocking on all the doctors room. She finds a doctor and disappears into the room. My heart sunk. I knew it wasn't me being "silly" she calls me back in again, my notes and a card in hand. She scans me a little again. She stops and says baby has water in the brain and I needed to see a different doctor two days later. She asked if my dh wanted to see the baby, though tears I said yes and tried and stopped the tears so my children seeing me crying, they showed my children and and dh the baby and then explained to my dh that baby had water on the brain and about the doctors app 2 days later. Then we were sent home. Crying my eyes out we left, I made a few calls to family for support and to tell them baby had problems. We then called my mil as my dh was starting a new job the same day and I needed someone to look after me and my children. I felt so dead inside, I couldn't believe what happened, all I did was cry, my sister helped me fend of all the Facebook messages asking how my scan went as I physically and mentally couldn't cope! Later that day I had a call from the hosp saying that the scan woman should of sent me to see a con after my scan but she didn't even mention seeing anyone but the doctor 2days later I said. I was asked to go in the next day. We went in and was told no more information than we were on the scan day, all that was said is that ending the pregnancy or having loads of tests were the options. My mil spoke to the doctor as I was still in complete shock and could barely breath let alone anything else! It felt (and still feels every time I see the doctor) that my preg is trouble to them. We had no information but we're told to end my pregency. I couldnt end anything knowing that my baby had a chance. disability isnt something i care about, yes its not easy but all babies are gifts! so we go to the second scan. the lady confimed the VERY little info we had been given!! the info we have was she has water on the brain, her nuchal fold is 'slightly to big but it could be a sign of normal and something else (WE WERE AND STILL HAVENT BEEN TOLD YET) is a mm to small! but the rest of her looks perfect! since the scans we have had a virus test which came back clear. the amnio Failed due to the doctors mixing to much of my blood into it and tons of appointments telling us to end out preg! We cant give up home that our baby girl will be ok! we go to a specialist baby brain doctor on the 1st! so hopefully we have some answers to out 10000s of questions. i have no idea who iam going to see or what they will do but we love this wiggle, kicky baby girl.