This is hard

So I've wrote and deleted his a few Times now as I don't know how to word it right.
Please understand this is very hard to write and explain.

We have had the genetic appointment and they explained more into what was. Its very hard to explain but I will try.
What it's called is unbalanced translocation mit chromosome 1 and 16.
I carry the balanced translocation. My genetics are mixed (strain 1 and 16 )but are level so causes my every day life ok. Its only when it comes to having children it affects thing.
So with Charlie his chromosomes were like mine but instead of it being level and balanced he had to much 16 on staind 1 which caused his brain to not grow right. They don't know what each chromosomes does but they know they unbalanced caused this.
This unbalanced could happen again. They won't give us a number for chance as they don't know. Its luck of the draw.
Our earthchildren are miracles.  They could carry the balanced like me but we won't know till they are of age to have children/ ask if they carry it.
I don't know what else to say right now. 

My angels due date

So today you were meant to arrive healthy and happy to make our family complete.
Instead I am heartbroken.  I know I've said it a few times but it's the only way I can explain this pain. Even then heartbroken isn't strong enough words.
All I ever wanted is my baby in my arms and I can't ever have that again.
I feel so sick. Everything hurts. My whole world is broken.
Thank you to everyone that has wished us a easy day and lit a candle for Charlie. 

Why

I had to give birth to my baby who was silent. I had to do that knowing he would never wake up. Knowing for the rest of my life I would be missing a huge part of my soul.
I spend the time after his birth with him praying he would wake up and they would save him. I spent the weeks till i got his ashes back praying I would have a phone call say It was all a mistake and my baby woke up and was in scbu and would be ok.
For the rest of my life I Will wish I could be with him instead of here without him.
I miss my son so much. I spend every second of my life missing him and wishing I could have him back.

I will spend forever in pain. I will spend forever with tear stained cheeks.
I will spend forever with my soul screaming why. Why can't I have my baby with me. Why does he have to be dead. Why, why why.
Everything hurts so bad. My insides are screaming in pain all the time.

I had a phone call today

So today I had a call. We are going back to genetics on the 18th.
So we will have more information then. The lady we are doing to see seems really sweet. We were on the phone for about 30 mins talking and sorting out appointment.
She asked about our Angel candour earthchildren.  Even asked their names and ages.

She asked how much we remembered. I was honest and told her not much as it's so much information. 

So hopefully the 18th we will have more information.  I'll have to remember to record the appointment on my phone so we don't forget anything.

its to hard

Its to hard to cope... its my fault my baby isn't here. It's my fault my baby didn't grow right.
My body, my genetic failed my baby.
I have to live with it forever.
I just cant do this any more. Its all my fault. I don't know if I can cope knowing the rest of my life knowing that its me, knowing it could happen again.
I know everyone keeps saving its not my fault but to me it is. Its all my fault. i cant cope with this guilt. This isn't fair.
I just want my baby back. I just want to be happy for once.

Today's appointment

Today we went to get the results from my Angel.
This post isn't going to be very informative as most of the information I can't remember. 
Charlie had the right amount of chromosomes but they were Broken and switched around. This was caused by something I carry. It lays dormant inside me and it causes me to have "faulty" eggs.
So basically my baby didn't develop right because of me.

Everyone says it's not my fault. But to me it is. I could have passed this along yo all my children.  It could cause us to have more baby died in,the future. I feel like I've let everyone down. They gave us a name but I can't remember it. But one in top people Have it.

We may have an answer soon!

Hopefully we will have an answer to why our baby went to sleep. I am really fining it VERY hard to cope, this is like the last thing we are going to do for him. Hopefully finding out why he was so poorly.
I just cant get my head round that its all real, that he's not coming back. I cant cope that I will have to go to the hospital and see all the people still pregnant and happy.
I know it sounds horrible but I cant cope with it! I cant cope with it when I am meant to be nearly due with my angel.
The closer it is to Thursday I am finding it very very hard, my heart is hurting more and more and  I am getting more and more snappy!!


If anyone would like to give me a bottle of wine, a box of chocolate and a huge hug come here an give it to me please! 

Please don't stand and tut at me

I have started taking millions of pictures of my earth children and had people Tuting and shaking their heads at me for
"Playing on my phone" when out at the park with them.
I have no 3g turned on my phone. I only have my phone out to take pictures of my children.
I am scared every day that the worst might happen and I might lose one of them just like we lost our Angel baby.
So when you see me walking around phone in hand, watching it, that's because I am watching out taking pictures of my children. I am trying to make sure that I have am many pictures of my earth children as I know how important pictures are.
I know that as all we have left of our Angel is pictures.
I am not texting people. I am not on Facebook simply all I Am doing is taking forever pictures of my beautiful children.
Please don't judge someone unless you know what a. They are doing b. Their story.

The stress of everyday

After losing a baby it feels like the world keeps moving and you feel like you're standing still,  frozen with pain and grieve. Praying this is all a dream.
When it crashes down and you know this isn't a nightmare like is more stressful.
There are pregnant woman EVERYWHERE, there's newborns EVERYWHERE.
It takes an hour to leave the house then you have panic attacks when out (well if your like me you do)
I have two earthchildren so if I don't find the will power to leave the house I am stuck in with them. The grieve makes it seem like they are being so awfully naughty (everyone says my kids are acting up a little more than normal but that not what it seems like to me)
Grieve makes everything worst,it numbs you. It's unbelievable how everything in life triggers you. Everything is different for one family but the rest of the world can't see it.

What you don't see.

You may see me smile. You may see me laugh but all you really see is a mask. This mask is hard to keep up. If you watch,me carefully your see it slip every now and then. Your see my eyes full with tears then see me 'refit' this mask and make the tears go away till I am alone.
You may only see me breakdown if we are very close even then I probably won't let you in. I can't let you see how much this hurts, I can't let you see how broken I am as then your look at me with even more sympathy in your eyes.
I don't want your sympathy. All I ever will want is my baby back.
I want this to be a nightmare to wake up and have my baby next to me or in my womb still. To wake up and not see a shelve full of his stuff and stuff that helps me remember my baby.
I just miss my son. I am not mopping or "living in the past" I am dying. I am in so much pain. So much mental pain. If this was physical pain I would of died from it already.
There is nothing more I want inn this world than my baby back with me. I can't cope without my baby but I have no choice to.

Forever I will be missing a part of me apart of my soul. Apart of my family.

Please help me to Remember my son. Please speak about him.

I have no words

All I can think and say is I miss my baby. I want him back. That all I ask for. All I want. All I need.
I miss him more than I need to breath.  I hate my life with out my baby.
I hate the new me. I hate the way I feel.
I just want my baby back.
I just want to hold him forever.
I hate being on earth without him.

My heart is beyond broken.

I will never be the old me.

I just want my baby back and my old life back.