Heartbroken and so confused...

I am so confused, I don't understand why the hospital think giving us drips of information will hurt less than just telling us! I've had my mind running away because of this, I just ant my angel back and I want to know the name of the condition he has is. I want God damn information! Surely I have the right to know,  it's my baby for God sake.
I am so worried about everything. I am worried about my earth babies incase they have problems. My eldest is Ill and I can't cope, I am so scared it something bad. Everyone is telling me it's a bug but I am so scared. I've checked on him 10times in 2 hours!
I am scared if they go quiet when playing in their room. This Grieve is taking over everything, it's draining me of all energy and strength. I just want to give up Bruno can't for my earth babies! I wish I could have my angel back so bad, I want my 3boys to be able to play together. I feel so guilty that never going to happen.
I feel broken, damaged. Everyone looks at me funny, they may not know they are doing it but they are.
So many people say I should be 'thankful' I have two healthy boys but how can I be thankful that one of my children, a part of me, as died, I am dory I can't be!