Heartbroken and so confused...

I am so confused, I don't understand why the hospital think giving us drips of information will hurt less than just telling us! I've had my mind running away because of this, I just ant my angel back and I want to know the name of the condition he has is. I want God damn information! Surely I have the right to know,  it's my baby for God sake.
I am so worried about everything. I am worried about my earth babies incase they have problems. My eldest is Ill and I can't cope, I am so scared it something bad. Everyone is telling me it's a bug but I am so scared. I've checked on him 10times in 2 hours!
I am scared if they go quiet when playing in their room. This Grieve is taking over everything, it's draining me of all energy and strength. I just want to give up Bruno can't for my earth babies! I wish I could have my angel back so bad, I want my 3boys to be able to play together. I feel so guilty that never going to happen.
I feel broken, damaged. Everyone looks at me funny, they may not know they are doing it but they are.
So many people say I should be 'thankful' I have two healthy boys but how can I be thankful that one of my children, a part of me, as died, I am dory I can't be!

We hit rock bottom then the floor gave in!

We thought we were at rock down. Then the floor gave on and now we are falling and can't see the bottom.
We went to register our sleeping baby today, they told us to pick up the forms from fetal medicine which wasn't the nicest it things to do two weeks and a day after losing your baby. Seeing everyone pregnant and happy. There was me crying with my world broken.
They said they had some bloods back and that our baby that we we're told was a girl is in fact a boy.  Now I feel like I have lost both a daughter and a son. Then they told us his DNA was"mixed up wrong'
The hospital want to do testing on me and my husband to see th chances of this happening again.
We haven't been told what happen yet and been told we will have to wait tell early August.

All we can see at the moment is darkness and everything getting darker! I am now worrying about my earthchildren incase they have something wrong that wasn't picked up! Everything hurts so bad

Two weeks

Two weeks have gone by but my world is still standing still, everything is blurry it like the air has been reduced I can't breath right.
I hate being here without you, I hate that I am planning your funeral when I should be planning your birth. I should he Waiting for you to come but instead I am waiting for some one from the funeral place to come.
I hate this pain, i hate breathing without you. I just want to be with you. To hold you and watch you grow. I haven't lost a baby, I've lost a part of me. I've lost something so special and I miss her so much.
I feel so broken. I feel like I am Dying without her

To my dearest Earth children,

I am so sorry that your sister left us, that she was needed in Heaven. I am sorry I promised she would come home to use then she couldn't. I am sorry I let you down.

I am sorry I am crying a lot, I am sorry I get angry easy. I love you both so much and I love your sister very much, its so HARD to cope with your sister going to heaven and leaving us here without her. I wish I could bring her back so you can all grow up together and play, learn and be best friends forever. 

I am sorry. I had so many dreams for all you 3 together. 

I didn't just lose your baby sister but I lost her all ages, I lost her holding your hands and running around, i lost you all playing cars together and i lost you all cuddling together.

We lost so much more than anyone could ever know! I am so sorry for putting you though this, I am sorry you don't understand this, I am sorry I cant explain this. I dont understand this pain or why this happened myself. 

I will always love you. I am so sorry I broke your hearts

 

Lost

I feel so lost, I don't know what to say or do anymore, I feel like I caused all this. Its all my fault.
I am doing everything I can to keep strong to look like I am coping but I am not, I fee k v k like I've been ripped apart and I will never be put together again. I can't be a a huge part of me is missing. My baby is gone forever.
It should of been me instead of her, she did nothing wrong, I feel like it's my fault, I broke her. All I ever wanted is to have children.

I never got to say hello

Unknown source. 

Specialist midwife

so the specialist midwife is coming today, she wants to talk about a post mortem and funeral for my tiny baby. how am I supposed to do this? She's my tiny baby, I am mean to be still pregnant with her, instead they want to talk about something no mum and dad should have to think about it. How do I even find the words to talk about this?
All I want is my daughter back, all I want is her alive and in my arms forever, all I want is to be with her.
I am so desperate to wake up from this nightmare, this can't be real. Its not fair this amount of pain. I just want to hold her forever.
Please let me be with her, I can't cope without her

It's been a week

It's been a week since you came into this world sleeping, we've had a week of so much heartache, a week of tears and pain. I miss you so much, I just want you in my arms,  want to be with you forever!
I just want you, I can't believe I've had to live without you for a week, although to be honest I haven't been living, I've been half dead the whole time, I am not alive with out you.
I just can't cope, I just want you. How do I do this? How do I cope without seeing you grow up?
I dunno how to breath, I just want to give up

Each day feels like forever.

Everyday feels like it's lasting forever, each hour feels like a day without my baby. The pain of missing you hurts so much, I can barely breath, I can barely stand up without my legs giving in under myself. Every time I see myself in a mirror I don't see myself. I am just full of pain and I cant see this pain EVER leaving, ever getting better.
Today I have to wait for a phone call from a special midwife but I haven't been told a time or anything so its just waiting around again.
It hurts so much. I just want this pain to end. I just want this pain to end, I just want my baby back.

My arms ache for you

It has been a week since your heart stopped beating, since my heart broke in two. It's been a week since my world stopped, the pain is getting worse instead of better, my heart is only just still beating, I miss you so much.
This pain has no words to explain it, it has no end inside, I lost a part of me when you left me, I lost a part of my soul a part of my life.
I want you so bad, I want to wrap my arms around you and never let you go. I would do anything to have you back with me right now.
I would do anything to still be carrying you in my womb, I would do anything to have the sleepless nights, the nights of colic, the poopy nappies. I would do anything to see you breathing and to see your beautiful eyes.
I wish so bad this is a nightmare and I'll wake up to you kicking and moving, that I'll wake up to heartburn and know your still with me.
I just want you back so Much my sweet sweet baby.

I hurt so much

Please take me away from this pain

I just want my baby back, I would do anything to be with her, I don't want to breath anymore. I just want to be with her forever, I just can't cope, I feel like I am half dead already.
I am trying to put a brave face on and look like I am coping but I am not, I am not coping! I just want to be dead. I want to never wake up.
Everyone would be better with out me, they would have such a better life if I was gone, if I disappeared forever.
I've failed everyone. I failed my baby and children, I failed my husband.
I just want this pain to leave right noe

Your in heaven now.

My baby was born today at 27 weeks sleeping

Waiting.....

All this Waiting is killing me. I keep waiting for my baby to kick then I remember she's never going to move again, she's dead.
I have to wait to go into labour for all the pain and then have to leave my baby forever, never to see her do anything, I'll never see her breath, cry, open her eyes.
What I would do for sleepless nights with her, waking every hour to feed and change her, to hold her and watch her grow. But I don't get that, all I get is pain,  heartache and tears. I get to plan her funeral, plan ways to remember her by. I get to try and stay strong when all I want is to cry and hide forever, all I want is to be with her!
I am trying to be strong, trying so hard but I can't do this. Everyone is getting to me for no reason. All I want is to be happy, for this pain to stop. How do I go on knowing my baby is gone forever? Knowing I'll never see her again. I just can't cope! I just can't do it!

The worst week of my life has started!

today we went to the hospital! Today  was meant to be the day they checked baby and make sure she is in the right place and to Give me pills to help my body ready for labour, at 27week3days my baby has died, the plan was to have a few tests done(amino etc) before being induced Wed, now I know my baby is an angel already and I have to carry her dead till Wednesday. Right now I have slient tears running down my face, I always knew she wouldn't make it but. Its so real now, my baby will never come home, I'll never get to see her alive, my baby who I love so much is never going to grow, never going to play! She'll be sleeping forever and I really don't know how to cope!
All I ever wanted is a daughter for my son's to have a sister to play with and that's been Taken away from us! I can't stop crying,  my whole body hurts*

The truth is i want to die!

The truth is if i didnt have two earth children i wouldn't be alive right now, I would of ended this pain. I would be in heaven with my baby girl and never have to leave her but i have to stay strong and raise my two beautiful boys with this heartache, knowing in a few days i'll be delievering my baby girl and having to leave her and never see her grow up or even take a breath.
I keep hoping the pain meds i will be given gives me a bad reaction and all this pain and heartache gets taken away. Then i think my boys will be without me, would they be better of without me? Right now i think they would be, its my fault their sister will never come home, i am the one to blame for all this, i could of done something to stop baby girl from getting this problem. I hurt so much, i've made my family hurt so much.

how much harder can life get?

I'm counting down the  days until they induce me, till i meet my sleeping baby, till i have to leave her forever. I am so so scared

Help pages

I know for my self that finding help when you know your baby will pass away or has passed is hard!
Google is unfriendly with all the trigger words highlighted in big black upsetting ways. Seeing millions of words and being in SO much pain it hurts to read and if you can read them you take in like 1 word in 50 and that would is dead (well it is for me)
So i thought to help people I would do a page to link loads of Support pages etc!
 ¬¬¬First of all there's my page: https://www.facebook.com/amotherslovestrongerthanweknow This will show you what your feeling is normal, all the blame, guilt, hurt and upset happens to everyone sadly.
I also have a 'Group' Pm my page and ill send you the link for it! We also have a email address! motherslove.lolasstar@gmail.com
¬¬¬Next is Sands: https://www.uk-sands.org/ and there face book page https://www.facebook.com/sandscharity?fref=ts
¬¬¬Next. Lisa's stars http://lisasstars2012.wordpress.com/ and their facebook page https://www.facebook.com/LisasStars?fref=ts. they have people donate tiny clothes and send them to sleeping babies that need clothes to wear in their forever sleep!
¬¬¬4louis http://www.4louis.co.uk/  and fb page https://www.facebook.com/4louis.charity?fref=ts. they have beautiful memory boxes they send out to help keep babies alive in their families mind forever.
¬¬¬Every baby's special hartwork https://www.facebook.com/EbsHartWork?fref=ts
¬¬¬ Pop and grow. https://www.facebook.com/Pop.N.Grow?fref=ts and webpage http://www.popngrow.co.uk/
¬¬¬Pearl and Peggy https://www.facebook.com/pages/Pearl-Peggy/248165295351829
¬¬¬Towards tomorrow together https://www.facebook.com/TowardsTomorrowTogether?fref=ts

We were going to have a baby but We have an angel instead

So we got this book today to helo expain to the boys what's happening, I've read it and sobbed, why does this need explaining why is. Its so simply written and so kind and easy for the boys to understand (3&1) but its something i never thought i would have to read to my children! Thank you to my sister for ordering it for us x